The Unforgettable Genius of Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg wasn’t just a comedian—he was a surrealist poet of punchlines. With his shy delivery, sunglasses, and hair hiding half his face, he looked like a stoner philosopher who stumbled onstage. But his jokes? Perfectly crafted absurdity.
His comedy was built on one-liners—short, bizarre, and instantly quotable. He didn’t need long stories; a single sentence could destroy an audience. Even decades after his death, his jokes remain timelessly funny.
Here are 20 of his best one-liners that prove he was one of the greatest to ever do it.
Mitch Hedberg’s 20 Best One-Liners
- “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
(The ultimate Mitch joke—simple, unexpected, and brilliant.) - “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
(A perfect anti-protest protest joke.) - “I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction.”
(Classic Mitch—over-explaining something mundane until it’s hilarious.) - “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’”
(The logic of a man who’s technically always right.) - “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break—it can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’”
(Engineers should take notes.) - “I think Bigfoot is blurry—that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”
(Cryptozoology meets stand-up.) - “I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.”
(A joke that gets funnier the more you think about it.) - “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
(Relationship status: complicated.) - “I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.”
(Advertising has never been this honest.) - “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.”
(The ultimate slacker philosophy.) - “I remixed a remix—it was back to normal.”
(DJ Mitch on the decks.) - “I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.”
(The most Mitch way to describe a toaster.) - “I was at this casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move; you’re blocking the fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
(Safety first… but also, run.) - “I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.”
(Math + food = comedy gold.) - “I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
(The harsh truth about waterfowl friendships.) - “I got a vest… if I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”
(Fashion logic.) - “I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
(Existential dread, now sugar-free.) - “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
(Etymology according to Mitch.) - “I’m not good at golf. I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell ‘Fore!’ but I was too busy mumbling, ‘There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.’”
(Golf: a contact sport.) - “I wrote a script and gave it to a guy who reads scripts. He said he loved it, but he didn’t want to produce it. That’s kind of like a guy saying, ‘Hey, I like that shirt—I’m not gonna buy it… but I like it.’”
(Hollywood in one joke.)
Why His Comedy Still Resonates Today
Mitch’s jokes were short, strange, and instantly repeatable—perfect for the internet age. Even though he died in 2005, his humor feels fresher than ever.
- Surreal but Relatable: He took everyday things and twisted them just enough to be hilarious.
- No Punchline Wasted: Every joke was a tight, self-contained masterpiece.
- Influence on Comedy: You can see his style in comedians like Demetri Martin, Bo Burnham, and John Mulaney.
The Tragic Loss of a Legend
Mitch died at 37 from a drug overdose, cutting short a career that was just hitting its peak. But his jokes live on—quoted, memed, and loved by new fans every day.
His comedy wasn’t just funny—it was art. And these 20 one-liners prove it.
